Loss of Power

I have received crash courses in cancer, in estrogen negative HER2 positive cancer, in chemo, in surgery, in radiation. The Instagram reels with what to pack in your chemo bag were so helpful. The Facebook page for my cancer type is perfectly relevant. I have a breast surgeon and a plastic surgeon to answer all my questions about surgery. They offer me the chance to email or call or come back with questions. I have a Physical Therapist/Personal Trainer that is helping me recover from chemo as well as complete prehab before and rehab after my surgery. But no one tells you what you want to look for in a chemo nurse. 

What does one want in a chemo nurse? Do you even get a say? As I complete six of six rounds of chemo, I have learned what it is that I need. I want someone who welcomes me on Round 1 Day 1 with a genuine smile. They would be in no kind of hurry to walk me through each and every medication I’ll be receiving, and the side effects of those medicines. They would look at my port that’s covered with white cream and plastic wrap and say, “Oh good, you already put on the lidocaine cream-excellent!”

They would be just as happy to see me on Day 1 of Rounds 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6. They would tell me to take a deep breath as they are pushing the needle through my skin and into my port. They would walk me to a private area when I have to pull down my pants to get the ten minute shot in my thigh and talk to distract me, sharing a little about their life. They would believe me when I said that I was drinking a ton of water and still feeling so fatigued. “Next time that happens, give us a call.” They would not remind me that chemo was cumulative but they would nod with sympathy when I told them that it was getting worse every time.

They would arrange for me to sit with other patients that are chatty when I got chemo so I can hear their stories and appreciate their wisdom and experience. But when I had to come back in for IV fluids because I was so weak that I fell asleep in the waiting room, they would place me in a quiet corner and just let me sleep. They would look out the window every so often and tell me about the weather because it’s quite a view from the tenth floor. And they would do this for every single person in the room, every time.

I can tell you that whatever it is you think you need from this stranger who will soon not be a stranger, it’s more than you can imagine. This person has had all of the courses and knows it all. This person knows about my cancer and yours, and his, and theirs. They can also tell you what you’re still missing from that chemo bag. This person knows who in that room has been through six or twelve or twenty rounds and is now trying some other kind of miracle. This person never tires of being your cheerleader. This person has chosen this as a career and that is one of the most generous acts of service that I have ever witnessed. For me this person’s name is Janine. I will never forget that Janine walked me through all six rounds of this shit journey of chemo. I got exactly the chemo nurse I needed. Or-did I need exactly the chemo nurse I got?