Loss of Power

When Gunter was little we’d ask him a question like,

“Gunter, what do you feel like having for dinner?”

He always responded,

“No! You have to tell me!

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In the past 24 hours I have typed this incorrectly almost every time. Yesterday Kristin and I hunched over my phone at the kitchen table to hear (among many, many others) these words:

Estrogen Negative HER2 Positive Breast Cancer.

That is my diagnosis and now I know. 

We called Tom to tell him, we called Jennie to tell her. I texted family and friends. I went to Monday night trivia because I didn’t want to talk or think about it. I went to work today.

I know that surgery first is not the best course for this type of cancer. I know that my treatment will start with chemo, then follow with surgery if all goes well. The treatment will last a year. 

I also know that I have the kind of support that is so ever-present that it absolutely feels overwhelming and undeserved.

Here’s what I don’t know, for real. I don’t know if this will kill me. I don’t know how much I will have to give up as far as the best job I’ve ever had. I don’t know what the next right step is. I don’t know how to protect my children from this. I don’t know how long I’ve had this. I don’t know how long I’ve known that I’ve had this. I don’t know how people do this. I don’t know how I will do this. 

I’m grateful to have the information. I’m grateful for being able to sit with these feelings because they are coming in waves, quickly and dangerously, and I cannot avoid them. I’m grateful, too, that I have found moments of motivation today, to research nutrition, to think about things that I know I will need, to write down these words, to laugh.

I know what you’re thinking-that this is so negative. It can’t be good for me. That I need to find my strength, to be a warrior, to stay positive. But if you cut me in half right now, you’d find (well, besides cancer) a deep indigo fear and little space for anything else. Tell me it’s normal. Tell me it gets better. Tell me I’m not alone. Tell me to listen to myself sooner next time.